*But what do you even mean?* Image description: A Great Grey Owl is looking into the camera, behind the owl you can see a blurred image of trees. Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash.

Note: this is a modified version of an article I posted on Substack in my newsletter The Queer Autistic Newsletter. You can read the oiginal version here.

Pre-diagnosis and being so confused.

Before getting my later in life Autism diagnosis I was really used to feeling confused in social interactions, to making guesses at what non literal language meant and getting laughed at when I took something “too” literal or didn’t understand sarcasm. I suspect that’s a reason why my secret comfort show has been The Bing Bang Theory. Not because I enjoy watching harmful representation of Autism combined with sexism and racism. But because I simply felt so seen when Sheldon would ask “was that sarcasm?” or take sarcasm literally. I remember when an ex boyfriend joked about calling me Sheldon because I also didn’t get sarcasm. How I felt shame because of how the character was constantly made fun of. But I wasn’t a genius like Sheldon and as an undiagnosed Autistic I mostly just felt stupid. I felt stupid not only because of my own internalized ableism but also because I’d get laughed at. Laughed at when I took sarcasm literally, ashamed when I’d get into bad situations because I genuinely assumed that people would say what they meant, feeling bad when everyone else seemed to understand things that I simply didn’t.

But then I realized that I was an AuDHDer in my mid 30’s and started to understand that there wasn’t anything wrong with me-as an Autistic person I just had a very literal way of communicating. But I was still so high masking in my communication that I remember people on dating apps respond to me sharing that I’m autistic with a “well you obviously communicate very well!” I feel like there’s a special kind of mind fuck when you realize that you’ve been doing such a good job masking that people think something is easy for you when you really struggle with it. In my case I got used to guessing, googling sayings and pretending like I understood which meant that no one knew how hard I often was working “behind the scenes” of communication.Until one day I realized how exhausted, fed up and deeply annoyed I was at all the spoons I was investing in a way of communicating that felt so illogical to me.

So I stopped. I advocated for my communication needs, I gave myself permission to take things literally and most importantly I validated that my own way of communicating actually made a lot of sense. I started making autistic friends and enjoyed friendships where our language was clear and where we meant exactly what we said. A friend and I would make phone call agendas when we would chat and it felt so soothing and supportive for me. I asked loved ones to use tone indicators in text so I could understand them. But there’s still a tenderness when I get confused and don’t understand what people are saying. It’s still so easy for my nervous system to get activated and to find myself going back to those internalized beliefs of “I’m stupid”, “I’m not good enough” or to simply feel lost.

Image description: In the meme there is a picture of a cat looking at a cell phone, the text reads: “POV: my autistic self trying to decode texts: ‘okay, what if it means…”

Acknowledging that I have communication accessibility needs.

It took some time after my diagnosis to identify that I even had communication accessibility needs. The truth is that there are a lot of ways in which I excel at communication: I write a lot of content on the internet, I coach clients one on one and I’m able to verbally speak with both strangers and people I know. Before becoming a coach, I taught ESL to both individual students as well as groups. But the truth is that while I can sometimes understand sarcasm or sayings, I usually find non literal language to be very confusing. I take things literally because that’s just how my brain works. Understanding sarcasm, jokes and sarcasm is just challenging for me. Like that time I shared with an ex partner that my cat was standing on my breasts (as cats tend to do) and he said “Wow, I’m jealous of your cat.” Which made me confused and then concerned that this new person I was dating somehow wanted to stand on my breasts! Some other communication things I do that are common for some Autistics are not being aware of my volume, being straight forward but coming across as rude, my face not always matching my emotions and being able to understand better when I don’t have to provide eye contact.

When I first identified that I had specific communication needs it felt tender and scary to even admit. At first it felt validating to name the areas where I struggled but it also felt supportive to reframe “being bad at communicating” to “having different communication needs.” The truth is that I’m not bad at communicating, I just communicate differently. While I initially worried that my coaching career would suffer if people knew that I had specific communication needs, it hasn’t been an issue since I tend to work with Autistics and AuDHDers in my private coaching practice. I’m still exploring how to get my social needs met in an autistic supportive way while also honoring my communication needs. Right now all of my friends are Autistic or AuDHDers and there’s a general ease with communication. But sometimes it’s hard when I’m trying so hard to understand someone or a concept and it feels like my brain just can’t. When that happens I can advocate for my communicate needs as well as surround myself with autistic affirming support and care.

Bringing an autistic lens to communication.

When I work with my autistic private clients on advocating for their communication needs I like to start off with validating that how us autistics communicate makes so much sense. Since Autistics have a wide range of support needs, it’s important to name that how we communicate and the type of support we need will vary. But since our communication is typically framed as a deficit, it’s important to bring a neurodivergent affirming lens and remind ourselves that there’s nothing wrong with how we communicate, we just communicate differently. We can validate how we communicate by validating our style communicating (or having someone validate that for us), learning about communication from a neurodivergent lens or even reading about the double empathy problem study.

It can then be supportive to identify:

How do you like to communicate? What type of communication feels good and accessible?
What are your communication needs and aids? What are the ways in which you can be supported in your communication?
What are some small doable ways you can advocate for your autistic communication needs?

As someone who is very literal and struggles with non literal communication a few ways that I advocate for your communicate needs are:

Sharing that I’m very literal and struggle with non literal communication.
Asking for people to use tone indicators in text.
Saying “I don’t understand” instead of pretending to understand or googling a phrase.
Telling dates “it’s hard for me to know when someone is flirting with me, so if you’re flirting with me please let me know.”

Image description: there is a picture of a gorilla with his mouth open in what looks like surprised delight, there are tree leaves behind the gorilla. The text above the picture reads: “POV: How delighted I feel when I talk with other autistics who are also literal communicators.”

Sometimes being Autistic is hard and that’s okay.

I’m so grateful for my knowing that I’m AuDHDer and my relationship to being Autistic has changed over the years. This August I’ll be celebrating my 4 year Autism Diagnosis Anniversary (yes, there will 100% be cake!) and feeling at home in my Autistic self continues to be a beautiful journey. There is so much beauty, joy and pleasure in being Autistic. But it’s also a disability and there are ways in which life can feel challenging and disabling. While my life has gotten so much better since I moved to the rural countryside, it’s still sometimes hard. Sometimes I still get frustrated when I can’t understand someone, get sensory overloaded because of the background noises when I do errands in the nearby city or feel the warning signs of a shutdown or meltdown. I spend a lot of my time in neurodivergent affirming spaces and it can feel like a shock to my system when I’m in spaces that aren’t neurodivergent affirming and accessible. But when days feel hard that’s when I’m so grateful for my small group of Autistic and AuDHDer friends who get it. Who check in on you after a meltdown or send you memes of your special interest (penguin pebbling for the win!) Where you can chat about dating and ask “hey, what’s the social protocol for this?” and you both laugh because you have absolutely no idea. Surrounding myself in autistic centered spaces and having autistic friends has been so incredibly healing and supportive.

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Thank you for reading!

I hope this blog post was supportive. If you’d like to share a bit about what you include in your own autistic toolbox-please feel free to share in the comments.

The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.

Your autistic healing matters.

I hope this blog post was helpful in your own autistic healing journey. I truly believe that us late diagnosed autistics deserve autistic affirming healing and I hope you have the best practitioners, tools and support for your own healing.

If you’re seeking autistic support and healing, I’d love to support you in my 5 month program The Somatic Mentorship.

An intensive intake session & healing map to identify your goals and developmental objectives that we’ll work on in our program together.
Three (75 minute) sessions a month.
Support & education: personalized practices sent to your inbox, neurodivergent workbooks and resources.

Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic somatic coach. She works with clients in her programs The Somatic Mentorship and the Autistic Support Sessions. Tiffany also writes a free newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.